My very first Veterinary Hospital… is in my bedroom.
I watched the end of Merlin earlier and now I just got home from watching Les Mis. I. Am. So. Done.
My heart hurts.
I finally declared my major (even though I never doubted what I wanted to do). But they put me down as Pre-Veterinary (Pre-professional) which I didn’t think was an option. But in any event, I have decided to no longer go for the Biochem major and I am going for Biomedical, it’s slightly more relevant :P
Also someone should move to New York or Colorado with me so that I don’t have to go to school all by myself :/
So, here is the thing. I like to read. I really, really do like to read. But sometimes I get a little overly invested in the story and characters and I start making non-human noises as I read. Today I began reading, a good chapter and a YouTube search later, I learned that my reading noises sound identical to the romantic screeching of barn owl sex. Go ahead. Click on the link and enter my world.
Today at church I sang Beautiful City from Godspell (the 2011 revival version).
I don’t know how many people in the congregation know I am gay by now, but certainly the youth, my youth pastor, and several adults do. The reason this is a big deal to me is that I never imagined that I would do something like that. Stand on that stage infront of my congregation singing a song about moving forward. A song about how, no matter how bad things get, God has a plan. God has brought me to the point where I can praise him without being worried about people judging me for who I am or people wondering about me. For the first time in a long time I feel like myself at church. Completely honest. Praising God because it doesn’t matter that I am “different” because we are all different and God loves all of us despite any of that. And I finally feel like maybe my life won’t just be some act that I play for the people around me. Maybe I can be myself now, even with the people who might not agree with me about this. I feel like I can finally move forward and God has done that for me. A beautiful city is coming and I can be a part of building it. And so can anyone else.
I have learned that it doesn’t matter what it is that make someone feel inadequate or worthless because our opinion is not God’s opinion. What we might hate about ourselves might be what God put in us to make us His child. I used to be so afraid of who I am. But I can honestly say that I don’t think I would be Christian now if I wasn’t gay. Being gay, and all the fear and self loathing that came along with that is exactly what got me to pray. It got me to want God and hear His answers to my questions. I love God with all my heart and that is because He is the one who carried me through those times.
So now I am ready to move forward. Not as a “gay christian” but as a follower and brother of Christ.
Sometimes I just sit there contemplating how I am in fact the most wretched life form ever to disgrace creation by existing.
I apologize both for this and for being momentarily cynical.
Spending the weekend scuba diving in Washington, reading my Biology text book, writing my own book, and trying stay warm despite 48 degree water :/
Anyone wish to converse?
EDIT: That is 48 degrees fahrenheit incase my non-American followers think I am talking about something warm. It is roughly 9 degrees Celsius.
I just got home from an amazing talk with my youth pastor. We sat and talked in his kitchen for two and a half hours talking about my relationship with God and his relationship with God, and the Church, and scripture. But mostly he wanted to talk about how I came out, and how I was doing. He wanted to let me know that he was there for me and he wanted to be someone I can talk to about it all. He was kind and respectful and just super awesome about the whole thing. I really needed this. Thank you so much for the prayers and your thoughts, they have not been in vain :)
Love you all!
I was going to post a yoga video but I messed up so I have to re-film it. So yeah maybe tomorrow :P
I am recording a CD or me singing all of my favorite ballads/ songs (but mostly ballads) that I have never found an excuse to sing. I am going to then give this CD to my parents as a goodbye present because I am moving away after this next year. So far this is my set list:
Flight- Craig Cornelia (male duet with a friend of mine, I will be taking the upper part)
Left Behind- Spring Awakening
Not a Day Goes By- Merrily We Roll Along (yes I know this is a women’s solo)
Send in The Clowns- A Little Night music (…again, I know :P)
Once Upon a Time- Bare: A Pop Opera
Empty Chairs- Les Miserable
Hallelujah- Shrek version
Beautiful City- Godspell (2011 revival version)
Gute Nacht- from Schubert’s Winterreise (my mom’s favorite classical song that I have done)
I am also considering:
Role of a Lifetime- Bare: A Pop Opera
Go the Distance- Hercules
I’m Alive- N2N
Coming Out to The Church
Yesterday evening through this morning was a lock-in at my church. Basically a bunch of the youth locked ourselves in the church all night to spend time together in fellowship and fun.
After all the games were done we did Worship and open mic in the church library. Our youth pastor shared his testimony and a few people shared songs that they wrote. The entire time I had this feeling that I had to say something. More testimonies were shared, and I just got the feeling that I needed to share mine. But I just couldn’t. The largest part of my testimony is reconciling my sexuality with my faith. To be honest I did not trust my peers not to judge me for it if they knew the truth. Then a boy got up and gave a little talk on trust. He said that trusting people is something that he has never been good at, and something that he still has so much trouble doing. That is until he found someone that he could really confide in. He said that trusting is a whole lot easier than we think it is. That hit me to the core. Here I was thinking about how I couldn’t trust them, and he gets up and basically says that we need to be able to trust people.
I walked out of the room and cried for a little bit. It was just too much to tell them but I felt like God really was telling me to. The mother of one of my friends comforted me and prayed for me that I might do what God wants me to do.
So I got some water and walked back into the library and asked if I could speak. I got up on the stool infront of everyone and I told them my testimony. I started by talking about Paul, about how he said he had a thorn in his flesh, something that was killing him day by day. But he never said what the thorn was. He never told us. And I hate that. I hate that Paul didn’t tell us. And I was tired of living that same way. With a thorn in my side and a secret to cover it. I told them about how I first learned about Christ back when I was little and how I had to stop going to church. And I told them that I was gay. I told them about those nights where I would lie there begging God to tell me why and how I wanted to kill myself. I told them all of that. But most importantly I told them that it was okay. That I don’t care that I am gay, because I love Christ more than I could explain, and the Christ I learned about just wanted that. Just wanted me to love him and others unconditionally. So It doesn’t matter my orientation, because I love Christ with all my heart and I don’t plan on that ever changing.
I told them that I didn’t want to talk about all this just yet, and asked them to not try to ask me about it.
So when I finished people came up to hug me and told me that they loved me. And then we worshiped. And It was the best worship I can remember.
I’m not sure what all their opinions of me are now. But I am glad that I am not walking with a lie any longer.
And I am thankful.
I am supposed to go to dinner with my father and his girlfriend tonight. :/ But he won’t text me back and I don’t know where her house even is. I am supposed to be there in 45 mins……… Why is this happening? just why?